Eleven Simple Rules on How to Become the Next 'American Idol'

By Dylan Vox
We’re winding down this epically long season of American Idol, and the four remaining contestants are preparing to enter the real world as a recording artist. While it may seem like fate and a little luck has a lot to do with becoming successful on America's favorite TV show, there are a few tricks that can help any wannabe get to the top. We’ve devised eleven simple rules to help next year's hopefuls claim the title, and to hopefully make the show more enjoyable for those watching at home.

1. You Don’t Have to be the Best Singer to Win.

Other than arguably Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood, it’s very rare for the best singer to win the show. This fact could prove hazardous for everyone’s favorite boy wonder David Archuleta, who has won over the audience with his magically delicious voice of gold, but his himbo "I can’t believe you liked how I sang" attitude could cost him the top honor in the end.” Latoya London, Melinda Doolittle, Trenyce and Elliot Yamin all suffered from being too great for their own good, and America cast them aside without a second glance.

2. Don’t be too Gay

While Idol fans love "allegedly" gay cast members like Clay Aiken and David Archuleta, coming fully out of the closet is the absolute kiss of death. In season one both Jim Varraros and EJ Day seemed to have no issues about being gay, but audiences were quick to react and voted them off in the first two rounds. The same fate happened this season when it was discovered that David Hernandez worked as a stripper at a gay bar, and in season two, Vanessa Olivarez was cut loose after telling her fellow cast mates that she was a lesbian. Archuleta and Aiken were able to follow the lead of their host Ryan Seacrest and have simply suggested that they are "shy", which is a story that American audiences always seem to buy.

3. Watch the Previous Season and Don’t Do the Same Thing.

What do a white rock and roll girl, a country diva, a fat African American R&B artist, a gospel singer, an old male soul singer and a newly made hip hop/pop artist all have in common? They all won American Idol. The show doesn’t like repeats, and if you follow the trend, it’s probably time for a white male rocker to win the show, which gives David Cook four to one odds of clinching the contest. In other words, if you look and sound like last year's winner, hold off a year before trying out, because more than likely, lightening won’t strike twice.

4. Sing Songs People Know, Damn It!

While it’s great to be able to pour your heart and soul into one of your favorite songs of all time, if people can’t easily recognize it, you will probably run into some trouble. On season four, Jessica Sierra became a victim of the “what the hell song is that” curse when she busted out "On the Side of Angels," and audiences just weren't moved. Before her demise, Nadia Turner, who was determined to only sing songs that she liked, even admitted that it was not the best strategy. Melinda Doolittle, Chris Daughtry, Latoya London and Tamyra Gray all had great vocals, but failed to follow this simple rule and were sent home. This season, Brooke White has lasted perhaps longer than she should have simply by picking songs that people could easily identify with.

5. Be Really American

The show is called American Idol for a reason, and this year more than any, that fact has been painfully obvious. While Carly Smithson and Michael Johns had incredible voices and the most professional stage presence, it was their sexy accents that may have gotten the better of them. It was the first year that cast members from other countries had even made it to the finals, but as the show progressed, the judges did their damndest to make sure they weren’t going to win by undercutting their performances every chance they got. Kristy Lee Cooke and David Archuleta, however, sang "God Bless the USA" and "Coming to America", which all but assured they would continue on for another week.

6. You're not Freddy Mercury, So Don’t Try to Be

Queen songs are some of the best ever written and have huge audience recognition. Unfortunately, very few people can actually pull one off, and often they just sound stupid trying. Kady Malloy and Katharine McPhee had pretty good voices, but when they took on “Who Wants to Live Forever”, all of their flaws were exposed, and the judges did not react favorably. Carly Smithson chose "The Show Must Go On", and for her, it just didn’t. With the exception of Elliot Yamin’s cover of "Somebody to Love", Queen night during season five was a complete train wreck and Bucky Covington was finally kicked off.

7. If all Else Fails, Go Country

Every year the show has really tried to win over a country audience and has been determined to have a contestant with country appeal. The surprising last minute addition of Carmen Rasmusen in season two was the beginning of this trend that has been carried on perennially. Despite sounding more like a goat than a girl, Simon chose Carmen for the top 12, saying that she would be easy to market. Later in the season, Josh Gracin started sharing his country roots, and Simon was almost pissed off for not knowing earlier because he probably would have never brought Carmen along.

Randy Jackson tried to shove country down Amy Adams’ throat despite her rocker girl image in season three. Underwood, Kellie Pickler, Covington, Phil Stacey and Gracin all benefited from going country, but it was Simon’s plea that Kristy Lee Cook become a country singer that was the most obvious benefit. She managed to make it to the top seven based solely on her country western marketability.

8. Be Original, but Not Too Original

It’s like a breath of fresh air to be able to do something that no one else is doing on the show, but you have to know when to play your cards and when to fold them. Ryan Starr decided to rock out to The Kinks and received a smattering of boos from the audience. Blake Lewis wanted to show that beat boxing could still be relevant in 2007, but fans eventually saw him as a one trick pony. Nerdy Kevin Covias tried to get jiggy with "Part Time Lover" and failed miserably. This year, Amanda Overmyer refused to bend to the ballad pressure, and week after week she turned out solid rock and roll numbers, but the viewers wanted to see more, so they sent her packing.

9. Work the Hair

Nikki McKibbin may not have had a great voice, but with her bright pink and red hair, she really stood out from the crowd and made it to the top three. Unfortunately, she knocked out America’s sweetheart Tamyra Gray in the process and ever since, red heads have left a bad taste in the viewer’s mouths. Vanessa Olivarez was knocked out in round one, and powerhouse voices like Gina Glocksen and Amy Adams were never even given a chance.

This season, Jason Castro really made an impact with his long dreads despite lackluster vocal performances. But it was the national phenomenon that was Sanjya Malakar that proved that even a turd could be successful if it has good hair. In previous years, Sanjya would have been lucky to make it out of the first round with a golden ticket, but in their push to make the show more ethnically diverse, Sanjya somehow slipped into the top 12. Then he worked that hair through bad performance after bad performance and surpassed far superior singers to end up in the final seven.

10. Learn How to Forget the Words

In previous years, forgetting the lyrics to a song would have been Idol suicide. RJ Helton, Melissa McGhee, Tamyra Gray, Nadia Turner, Haley Scarnato, Julia Demato and Brandon Rogers all made lyrical flubs that cost them the competition. This year, however, the contestants have learned that getting a sympathy vote may just earn them another week. David Archuleta stumbled and still got praise, and Brooke White has made messing up an art form. Twice this season she has stopped the song and restarted and her vulnerability has managed to keep her in the hunt.

11. Being an Obnoxiously Precocious Teenager Never Hurts

Although precociousness never typically wins the day, it can certainly help you make it to the finals. Mikalah Gordon had perhaps the worst voice of any Idol finalist ever, but her constant taking somehow made her endearing to audiences. Jasmine Trias and Diana Degarmo both made it to the final three based on their cutsey antics throughout the season. Paris Bennett was almost like a wind up doll, and John Stevens made every grandmother's heart melt.

The fact that precociousness doesn’t win is another negative for David Archuleta, who has now become border line creepy, but just like with Hillary Clinton, the gay vote may have the final say.

While my money this season is on David Cook to become the American Idol, it’s never too late for the contestants to follow the rules and step up their game. And who knows, maybe the show will break out of their slump and actually create a viable recording artist again.